The Birth of Porter

An open story to you, my Porter Rabbit.

Your birth story, like your brothers, starts well before your birth, well before the pregnancy, well before your conception. Your birth story actually starts just a few days after your brother was born.

I vividly remember this feeling within the first few days of Silas's life and thinking to myself (and sharing with your father) that I was ready and wanting another baby and another baby right now, right at that moment. It must have been all of the hormones adjusting to a new normal because that desire to have more children faded. I wasn't sure if adding to our family was the right decision. I remember hearing this story about a type of whale, on the verge of extinction. This was happening because whenever a mother whale gave birth to a male whale, the mother whale would only have that one whale baby (unlike the whales that gave birth to female whales). The male whales, being much larger than the females, required help from their mothers for the rest of their lives. They needed help with all typical whale things. Things like hunting. Because of their larger size, they weren't as fast and agile, and their prey would easily escape them. The female whale, being smaller in size, was a successful hunter. So the mother whale was essentially destined to care for her one male baby for the rest of her life. I felt like that mama whale. I couldn't imagine how I could support and love another baby.

But that feeling also began to fade.

Our new family routine and life were established. Silas was sleeping (not necessarily through the night) but for longer stretches. The idea of having more children seemed like something we could make work. We began to feel excited by the idea. We wanted that. We were ready! And, when it finally seemed like it might be the time to expand our sweet little family, we were hit with devastating news. In the summer 0f 2023, Grandma Cynthia was diagnosed with stage 4 glioblastoma. Our plan was shattered. Our lives were put on hold. Everything felt like it was suspended in mid-air.

We changed everything to be in Prescott as much as possible, to be with Cynthia and share in our final memories together. That summer was spent in shock. In disbelief. In a blur. We went on family trips, we cried, we played games, and cried some more. We tried to be strong, for each other, for the children, for Cynthia. To enjoy what little time we had. To try and pack a lifetime worth of memories into a few months. All of it felt like an out-of-body experience, something you hear of that happens to someone else. But it was happening to us. And there was nothing we could do to stop it.

Cynthia made her transition on September 26 and was buried the first weekend in October. She opened the portal door to the great unknown and left us to navigate life without her physical presence.

The year that followed was filled with more shock, sadness, frustration and questioning, and grief. It felt like things were being taken from us. Life was not normal. Things changed. And there was also vulnerability, a closeness that grew, more time with family, and so much support. We continue to honor Cynthia, sharing stories, thinking of her as an angel watching over us, and lighting candles in her memory.

Cynthia's passing and the abruptness of all of the events within the short 2.5 months were a motivating factor for me to finally sign up for the Ayurvedic Health Counselor course through the Minnesota Institute of Ayurveda. It had been something I had wanted to do but always felt a bit out of reach - either with the financial commitment or a time commitment. But now with the baby plan on hold, family life in a good-ish rhythm, and that feeling of life-is-too-short weighing on all of us - it felt like the perfect time to sign up. Two weeks before the course began, I signed up, paid the first installment of my tuition, and was finally enrolled in a course I had waited years to take. It seemed like another way to honor Cynthia, to honor my dreams, and a way of asking you to wait a little bit longer for us, until we were once again ready for you.

As the months went by and the grief began to take a back seat, life seemed to find a new normal.

I graduated from the program in June, things were feeling settled, and there was space and time open that a new baby could fill! We were once again ready to expand our family.

Since Silas was conceived within the first month, we expected the same for you. We expected to have a baby in April... that did not happen... and we played the waiting game again and again and again. It felt like an eternity! It was a rollercoaster of emotions. Trying new things, getting excited, anticipating, and then tears... a negative test. More time to wait, more things to try. Who knows if it was all of the acupuncture, the grief counseling, or your father quitting his job - but after 6 months of trying, it finally happened!

It was Thanksgiving, and I could technically take a pregnancy test. But after 5 negative tests, it felt like the odds were low. I remember Oma saying, "Let's go get a test, and we can be even more grateful!" I said no because I didn't want to be sad on Thanksgiving. And I probably wasn't pregnant because I was sick and had been sick on and off since getting covid in August... so much sickness!

Anyway, the next day there was no visit from Aunt Flo. Feeling both excited and also trying to level-set expectations, I decided to take a test and FINALLY!! We got the news we had been waiting for - a positive pregnancy test. We were in tears! Your father picked me up and screamed, "YESSSSSS!" We hugged and kissed and were so relieved that you were finally with us. Our dreams were coming true. Now we just had to wait 40ish weeks for you to arrive Earthside!

The first few months of pregnancy were a bit stressful. There were a lot of things that helped to set us up, though - the previous employer continued our health insurance through December, offered a severance package, and some jobs seemed to be lining up. But the jobs didn't pan out, the holidays were approaching, so interviews were scarce, and things felt very up in the air. Time seemed to go by both so slowly and quickly. It was flat-out stressful. On top of it, Silas and I continued to get hit with what felt like every single sickness going around. And, we had a friend stay with us for 3 weeks! It felt like both nothing and everything was going on all at once.

Finally, a job appeared, and this renewed sense of hope, desire, and excitement returned as Papa embarked on a SEVEN. STEP. INTERVIEW. PROCESS! It took weeks, hours of studying, hours of interviewing, but finally in March the job was his! Things began to feel like they were falling in place again. We had insurance, there was more healthy time between the sicknesses, pregnancy was well underway, we were able to get in for some birth center appointments, and spring was coming! We thanked our lucky stars.

Pregnancy, besides being hit with some type of sickness, was rather straightforward. I didn't experience many pregnancy symptoms, just a touch of nausea and fatigue, but it was exciting this time around because I knew all of these changes to my body were because I was going to have a baby in the next few months. I know that probably sounds silly, but having done it for the second time, everything felt more tangible, more real. The first time I remember feeling a bit disconnected from the pregnancy, unsure of what was really happening to my body and inside of my body. This time it just all felt more real - like a countdown (that actually went pretty quick) to you!

In no time at all, we were at the 20 week ultrasound and able to see your entire little body, to hear your heartbeat beat and to find out if we would be having a boy or a girl.

After that, I felt more energy coming back, I started to show more, we started the process of finding your name. I also started to feel more and more of your movements. You were so gentle in the womb. It felt like tiny little nudges all day, a little nudge to say hello, a nudge to get comfortable, a nudge to move farther down. Your movements were regular but also so soft that if I wasn't clued in I could miss them - except for the night time movements, those were always very strong!

The weeks began to flash by, and as you grew and my belly became more apparent, Silas began to connect with you more. Every morning, we would wake up and he would say, "Good morning, Brother!" He would sing to you. We would read to you. He would ask if you were watching him as he played, often saying "look at this brother" to which I would lift my shirt to expose the belly and say "brother sees you, Silas!" Even grocery shopping, Silas would ask to hop on the back of the cart and say "Brother support me" as my belly (and you) would hold him up on the back of the cart as we picked out our breakfast sausage and pasta. Silas loved you right away. We began to pull out more of the baby items as August approached. Silas began to play mama - pretending to be pregnant, give birth, nursing his stuffed animals, changing baby diapers, all of it. It was exciting for all of us as more preparations were underway for your arrival.

Once summer officially arrived, it was hard not to wish it all away. I had it in my head that you would be born late August, and I just wanted it to fast forward to that time. But alas, we had to wait. While we waited for your arrival, we went camping, danced at some Danger Club gigs, picked raspberries galore, watched Silas play soccer with Soccer Shots, celebrated your Papa's birthday, got our house organized, prepared our birth bags, and I amped up the body work with chiropractic treatments.

At 30 weeks, I also began a course with HypnoBabies. I wanted to feel as confident and calm as I could. I knew I needed to focus my mind. The HypnoBabies course was a virtual course I joined where I essentially learned how to hypnotize myself with the intention of surrendering to the process of birth - essentially allowing my body to do the totally natural thing of birthing and even allowing it to be a comfortable process where I feel both in control and totally relaxed. Every day, I listened to 45 minutes of pregnancy affirmations, a 30-45 minute hypnosis track, and a 15-20 minute session where I would learn what is called the "finger drop technique," which allowed me to drop into this state of hypnosis. I practiced this every day until you arrived. It was empowering to listen to. I was consuming all of this positive content about pregnancy and birth, and it felt fantastic. A few times, intrusive thoughts entered my head like "what if this is all garbage and doesn't actually work!?" Thankfully, with the support of the program and my doula, those thoughts didn't stay for long. My mind felt like it was in the right place. My body felt like it was in the right place. And you continued to feel very low, like you could come out at any time.

I remember a few times in the 30-35 weeks going to a workout class and joking with friends that you might just pop a hand out and give me a little high five! My chiropractor also commented around 36 weeks about how low you were. I felt like I was waddling. I didn't need anyone to tell me you were low, but it was nice to have that confirmation. I saw her again at 37 and 38 weeks, and she said, "Your baby is engaged. Some babies aren't this low even when labor starts!" The last appointment before your birth, she was again amazed and said at the end of the appointment, "How is this baby still in there?". That appointment was on Tuesday July 29, right after I completed an at-home strength training class. I felt strong and ready, but was not anticipating anything, always assuming you would arrive Earth-side late August.

Your father continued to guess that you would come over the weekend (August 1 or 2). He didn't attend a work offsite in California because we decided even though you probably wouldn't come during that time, the risk of missing your birth would be too great to go. I was pretty confident you wouldn't come in July. I gave you plus or minus 4 days surrounding your "guess date".

The next day, on Wednesday, July 30, I woke up with a headache. I was a little concerned but didn't think too much of it. There was poor air quality, and maybe I hadn't had enough water. I went about my day. Silas and I went to play group. He did not nap, but we had our quiet time. Then we went to soccer. As we arrived, we received a text that soccer was canceled due to poor air quality - bad timing on their part... but we played at the playground and were waiting for Oma, Grandpa and Janine to arrive. Once everyone was there was played a bit longer before deciding to go back to our house. Before we left, around 5:30 pm, I noticed my belly tightening and a tiny bit of sensation that went along with it. It was hard to describe. It wasn't pain, but like a step above a braxton hicks. It felt like it had a bit of heat to it. But I wrote it off like maybe this is just the next level of practice contractions.

We drove home, and I grilled for everyone - brats, grilled zucchini, and corn. I remember feeling this sensation once or twice more, but again just wrote it off. As we were wrapping up dinner, I started to feel uncomfortable sitting down and stood at the table. Just gently moving side to side. Once everyone moved from the table, I went into Silas's bedroom and played Duplos with him. I wanted a bit of time to just sit on the floor and some time to calm whatever was happening in my body. Everyone was chatting in the living room, and it really didn't seem like people had any intention of leaving soon. Then I felt another belly tightening sensation, and with this one, there was no denying it (even though I still did). But a rhythm was starting to appear. I came out of the bedroom, walked into the living room, and said, "Silas needs to go to bed." This was true, but what I really wanted to do was to hop in the shower to see if the relaxation of the water would calm this down or if this was actually the start of labor.

After everyone left, we worked to get your brother to sleep - moving through all of the nighttime routine and ending up in bed. Papa, Silas, and I all did one big family hug. I think in my heart I knew you were coming, but my head still refused to believe. Silas was thankfully so tired that he fell asleep around 8 pm with just a few pages of a book. Lying in bed wasn't uncomfortable, but it also wasn't a place I wanted to be. I thankfully was able to get out of bed and finally connect with your dad about what I had been feeling. I told him about the sensations, and as we sat on the blue couch, I cried for a few minutes, realizing that tonight might be the last time we were a family of 3. We had been SO excited for your arrival that I never truly thought of this, but it was going to be a change, and we had no idea how it would change us. The uncertainty is always the tricky part to navigate. After I shed a few tears, another surge came. More signs that this was real.

I texted our doula, Jess, and clued her in on everything that was happening. She texted back and said that it can be confusing and alarming, but that it is really common to experience practice or prodromal labor with subsequent pregnancies. She suggested I drink some water, take a bath, and get some good rest. We texted back and forth a bit, and at 8:42pm, I mentioned how the sensations did start to feel tingly - which is how it felt with your brother. About an hour later, I sent her another text saying that it did feel like things were slightly increasing in intensity, but there wasn't any real pattern that I had noticed, and that everything was still very manageable. She texted back and said that she had just come off of a very long birth and connected with our backup doula, Sarah. She clued Sarah into the situation, and ultimately, the two of them decided that Jess would need to come off the phone for the night. So, if I needed anything, I would call Sarah. I thought that with this news, my body would for sure shut down whatever was happening. I needed Jess. I felt comfortable with Jess. She was there for Silas, and I needed her here for you.

I finally got in bed at 10:30 pm, thinking for sure this wasn't the real thing. Just more practice. And I just needed to rest. I snuggled into bed with Silas and tried to go to sleep. I listened to a Hypnobirthing track hoping it would help me get to sleep or, at the very least, relax, but I was unable to drift off. The sensations kept coming. It wasn't anything major, but I was uncomfortable. I was still in disbelief and maybe even a tad anxious. How long would I have to deal with these prodomal labor symptoms? Silas was moving and also seemed unsettled, and I wanted to move around a bit more and to find respite once again in a warm bath. So, I got out of bed and went to your Papa. I told him that it was time to call Oma. I needed him, and I needed to get back into the tub.

Back in the tub, I started my Hypnobabies tracks, but this time they were the birth-specific tracks. I remember listening to the first one, and it said something like "even if this is not actually birthing time, this is still great practice for when the time comes." I took relief in that, knowing that this was just another practice and that I didn't ruin my hypnosis training. Like listening before the actual birthing time would somehow create a problem? It doesn't make sense now, but at the time (and in my head) it made sense and provided reassurance. The tracks and the water were soothing. I could drop into a rhythm here. It felt like this birthing time was officially starting, but for whatever reason, I was also still a bit in denial. It was July after all, and you weren't due for another 8 days.

By 12:15am, Oma was at our house. She came into the dark bathroom and we chatted for a few moments. I don't even remember what - probably how I was feeling. She snuggled in bed with Silas, and Papa joined me in the bathroom.

He started timing the waves to understand where we were in the process. The midwife team told us to call them when contractions are 5 minutes apart and 1 minute long for an hour. He started timing. I kept listening to tracks thinking in my head with every surge, "this is just a hug, a tight squeeze like a blood pressure cuff" and "release, peace, open" and "don't fight it, open more and more". I felt like I was opening up. I tried my best not to resist any sensation. To go deeper and deeper within. To follow the wave. To know that after a few more seconds I the sensation would dissipate and I would have a break. It all began to feel more real. Between the waves, I would connect with your father and ask how long it was, ask for some juice, and just share my experience with how the wave was. I eventually asked him to repeat the phrase "more and more orange hypno-anesthesia".

I threw up three times while I was in the tub. And this was the sign to me that labor was actually happening. With Silas, I threw up for most of the birthing time. I felt discouraged that it was happening with your birth. But I kept drinking my fluids, taking little sips, motivated to stay hydrated and strong for what I expected to be the long road ahead.

After an hour of timing the surges, we were right on the mark. Every 5 minutes and 1 minute long. I couldn't believe it! How was that possible? It was our first hour of timing. It felt like I had only "worked" for maybe 60-75 minutes. We called the birth center and had a call with the midwife, Heather. She asked me a few questions about how this compared to my first birth and how I was feeling. I told her it was hard to gauge since I was doing Hypnobabies and I felt like I could keep going at home, that everything felt manageable, that I didn't want to be sent home from the birth center, and that I would continue to labor at home for another hour and then check in.

Well, once we got off of the phone with her, the next wave was just all around more. I could feel you moving down. I could see my belly shift. I felt pushy. It felt like the waves were coming faster now. I had fewer breaks and was ready for more support. We called the doula and told her it would be best if she came over. She arrived within 20 or so minutes, and the first thing she said to me was, "Hey Stazi, are you going to have your baby here?" I thought I told her no, but recalling the story a week later with her, she told me I actually said "I can't do that." To which she replied, "Respectfully, I'll ask again, are you going to have your baby here?" I told her that I needed to go to the birth center, and she said Then we'd better go now.

Wave after wave continued to crash and flow over me. One big one followed by a smaller, shorter one. But again with no break - just wave after wave. The intensity was increasing, but the sensation still felt manageable.

At this point, I was still in the tub and had no idea how it would be humanly possible to move out of the tub and into the car. It literally felt impossible. I didn't want to leave but I knew we had to.

With your father's help, I slowly started to lift myself out of the bath. It felt like a feat. Once I started shifting out of the water, I could feel more pressure, more intensity, that was originally masked by the tranquil state and warm water I was surrounded by. I wanted to get back into the tub, but it equally felt just as hard to sink back in and fit my body and belly back into the bath.

Once I was finally out, Sarah dried me, helped me get dressed. Once we reached the dining room, which is 10 feet away from the bathroom, I was once again stalled by the tingling sensation rising from my bottom to my lower back. I relaxed all of my muscles as your father held my weight. Repeating in my head the phrases from my Hypnobabies course. "Peeeeeaaaaceeeeee." In the dining room, Sarah asked if she could look and see if there was a head. I said yes, and she checked. No head. But she urged us to keep moving quickly, and if I could move through the surges as well.

It took us 20 minutes to move from the bathroom to the car in the garage.

When we were outside, I frequently stopped and needed the support of Papa. He supported me to the car as more downward pressure caused me to stop in my tracks and sink into his arms. Sarah grabbed all of our bags in one trip; she didn't want to waste time. I believe there was a joke in there about how this is why she did CrossFit - to carry all the bags to the car in one go.

It was in the backyard that I started to doubt the Hypnobabies. I felt more and more pushy. And was starting to feel confused. If Sarah couldn't see the head, what was all of this pressure? It was harder for me to stay connected to the words, phrases, and tracks. I felt a bit lost in my head, but on the outside, seemed calm.

We eventually all piled into the car. Papa drove. Sarah was in the front seat, giving me back pressure. I was in the backseat on my knees, facing the back of the car and holding onto the headrest. Both of them repeating "Peaceeeeeeee" and "More and more hyno-anesthesia", and "Release". She asked me to do horse lips, and I ate up all of their words and suggestions. Doing whatever I could to tame this intensity, to slow you down, to get a break.

I had no idea where we were within the short drive to the birth center. I felt more pressure and thought to myself, if this is only my water breaking, then we need to change plans and go to the hospital because this feels like the height of what I can handle, and I would want an epidural.

But then I felt like a bit of relief was coming. A shift was happening, but I wasn't quite sure what that shift was. I felt downward pressure and thought I let out a huge ROOOOOOAAAR! (Recalling this story later with Sarah, she said it was actually a very low and quiet little moan.) Confused by this sensation, and expecting it was just my water breaking, I reached into my diaper, expecting to feel a gush of water. There was no liquid... But there was hair.... There was a head! A whole baby head! I told Aaron and Sarah, "His head is out!" I was shocked! No way! You were coming!!

What came next all happened in a flash. I was oblivious to this, but Papa asked Sarah, "So, should I pull the car over?" She said yes. He pulled the car over on 26th and Cedar, had the mental capacity to turn on the hazard lights on, and came around to my door. She helped to tear the diaper off from the front seat. But before anyone could really come around, or I could even wrap my head around what was happening, you came out into this world! I don't even remember there being a push, but here you were!!

No one caught you - you caught yourself. There you were. This tiny, wet little baby right there on the backseat! My instincts took over. I immediately scooped you up, pulled down my stretchy dress, and brought you to my chest. The rest is a bit of a blur. Between all of the adrenaline, how quickly things moved, and this continued feeling of total disbelief, all I could do was hold you and stare right into your eyes. I believe these are most of the details. Sarah came around at this point and wrapped us both in the towel (which she had laid on the seat prior to me getting in). She called 911, and we all listened to you let out a cry. You were officially here!

I couldn't believe it. Just total shock! You arrived not only eight days early, not just after a few hours of labor, or moments after your head being born, but also in the car! It was a wildly wonderful, shocking moment. I did it. We did it. You had come into this world.

While I sat in disbelief, holding you close, Sarah was on the phone with a dispatcher, and she suggested that Papa call the birth center to see if we could actually just continue our planned route there. Thankfully, the midwife on call, Heather, said that we could head to the birth center. Success! We could finish the birthing process there.

Again, more of a blur here. But, Sarah asked questions from the front seat that I only remember because she was actually filming as well. I sat unbuckled, holding you, still attached to me via the umbilical cord, not really answering them or truly hearing what she was saying. But just looking down at you, totally love-struck and in awe. Staring straight at you and holding you close. Papa focused on the road, driving his precious cargo as carefully as possible.

Once we arrived at the birth center, Heather was outside waiting to help us in. It took a moment for us all to get situated. Getting out of the car also felt a bit impossible. She wrapped you up in her arms, I walked, snuggled into her and your father. And our doula walked behind us - supporting us and snapping some pretty epic pictures along the way. I remember shaking and asking if it was normal. To which the midwife responded, "Yes." I felt cold, strong, weak, dirty, disoriented, powerful, excited, relieved... just a rush of all of the things! The walk in was thankfully short, and we were quickly situated on the bed. They wrapped us in warm blankets, checked our vitals, and started to clean us up a bit. All of the hard work was over.

You snuggled in close, and we warmed up together. Everything looked and sounded great! But looking back, I was never worried or scared that you weren't healthy. I knew you were safe. I knew we were safe and healthy. It was a joy to have you in my arms.

Side note... But because this question gets asked a lot when we shared the story with friends in person, I will add that our ever-amazing doula cleaned our car during this process! Major shout-out to her! It was totally unexpected and made the departure process way smoother and cleaner.

Moments later, the placenta was born. It was intact, healthy, and beautiful. The birthing process was complete. Success! We continued to snuggle close as our vitals were once again monitored. We all chatted a bit, recounting the story, sitting in shock, sitting in love. Then our fresh bread was delivered, and it was time to recharge. We ate the freshly baked bread (a perk of the Minnesota Birth Center) with butter and honey. It was delicious. Such a treat.

Eventually, I was able to get into the large tub - a part of the birthing process I had looked forward to for a while. While I was in the tub, you had some skin-to-skin with Papa, and I just rested, ate more delicious bread, and got myself clean. Once the adrenaline wore off and the fatigue began to set in, I got out of the tub and dried off, once again with Sarah's help. She helped me get dressed in my cozy pajamas and get back into bed. My body felt tired, deflated (both physically and spiritually), ready to lie down. Sarah left the room, and the three of us snuggled in the bed for a well-deserved nap. We rested for about an hour together. After we woke up we , we had vitals checked again, and Papa started to pack us up so that we could head home. Our time at the birth center was complete and it was now time for us to go home!

We left the birth center around 8:00 am. It was a new day. The sun was shining. Life was moving, people commuting to work, construction and lane closures, cars driving slowly, and cars speeding through red lights. We drove in our car, wanting to shout to everyone, "Do you know what we just did!?"

On the way home, we decided to stop at Laune, our favorite neighborhood bakery. We picked up 3 cinnamon rolls, a morning bun, and a coffee. I sat in the car with you. You slept peacefully the whole time. When we arrived home, Oma and your brother were waiting for us outside. They were so excited to greet you!

We brought you inside and celebrated your birth day together around the table! It was a happy day to have you in the world. We ate, you nursed. We talked, you cooed. We hugged and kissed. We couldn't believe it. We were all so incredibly grateful - happy tears flowed freely. We were, and are, all so in love!